I found my ex boyfriend’s blog today, as well as his new girlfriend’s blog.  So, I did what every ex girlfriend would do – I read every single blog entry.  I’ve since discovered that she and I are almost identical twins.  Well, she’s me about 4 years ago.  Interesting.

I feel like shit tonight.  It’s probably because I’m recovering from a massive weekend.  And I’m alone.  I’m not used to being alone.

Yesterday was ANZAC day.  I was such a good Australian – I went to the Dawn Service at the Army Barracks.  My friend Jessica went with the pure intention of trying to pick up, or, shopping for a husband as she put it.  I went with the intention of having a reason to start drinking at 5am.  Funny thing is, I ended up macking on with a cute Army boy and Jessica went home alone at 2pm.

My Army Boy was cute.  You see, I think that ANZAC day is the only day where it’s acceptable to pash an AJ in public.  He wore a suit and tie and a CK watch.  He went to a private school in Melbourne and had been drinking as long as I had been.  Fabulous.  Match made in heaven.  I think we spent about $500 on two-up, and another $400 on alcohol.  Thanks K-Rudd…tee hee.  I left the AJ at 10pm – this isn’t early considering I had been hanging out with him since about 8.30am, and drinking since 4.30am.  We were both far too drunk to take our “relationship” to “the next step”, so passed on that option and went our own ways.  Aww.  He was cute.  Pity he’s in the Army.

I’m waiting for poker to start on tv.  I’ve got more that I want to write, but maybe later.

Goodnight.

I enjoy Britney.

In other news, I’m going to start to write a book.

it feels like there are holes in the back of my ears where i can feel the sensors in your energy
it’s so
COLD
my arms are not mine
my hands become like an octopus & my feet
& toes
are curled up like a tree branch in the wind i can’t see past my own door
& the music in my ears is like a magic carpet i’m flying through a scene
of scarlet
Red.
flowing through a river i see my thoughts escape to the
wilderness i cannot be alone
i cannot be alone
the difference between you & me, is i get
FUCKED UP
when i’m alone

i don’t like feeling straight.

1200mg ibuprofen
1500mg paracetamol
270mg pseudoephedrine
100mg citalopram
80mg temazepam

i want to go to the snow fields & run through a forest
of christmas trees
& feel the glow sparkle ~~

i like the colour red
i like the colour yellow
i love orange
i like the number 5
i love the number 3

my head is sparkling
the ufo is gone & i am still here in my oasis of gold
& ash
my heart is beating to the rhythm of the music’s beat
my ears are in love with chords. lifts. progression

i want to be a treble clef on the music staf & travel my way around the world in a
musician’s suit case
i love the sound of a guitar being tuned

i want to know your name your eye colour your hair colour & how you fell in love
i want to know what you used for shelter & how you carried on
i want to know how you dealt with giving away 2 pieces of you
i think about you every day i hope you are strong & caring
i love you. but sometimes i hate you.
because i feel like you gave up on me.
i wish i remembered your face
sometimes you make me not care but then i remember i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.

the music is in tune with my heart beat.

i need a black coffee & a piece of tangerine sky to fly through the
branches of daylight & shadows
green orange red blue your face is dented & i can’t see
the moonlight from my balcony because
my eyelids got sewn together last weekend when i said i
hated my life

i don’t want to see the sky anymore.
you’re escaping from the new grown forest in my boat
made of banana leaves i want to cut my hair off &
sell it to charity & move to a monk monastery.

you’re killing yourself
go back to bed
don’t destroy yourself
love yourself.

i am my own worst enemy.

floating through darkness i see your
hate & COLD
why did you move away?

regina spektor plays and i hate it because it reminds me
of you
i want you out out out out out thank you for calling but i want you out.
i do love you & i always will.
let’s catch up in 40 years and talk about our lives.

my skin is melting off my face & you are vanishing…………………………………
vanishing ———
take me to your land
i want to vanish
i miss the old me.

i am floating can’t you feel the blue around the edges creep into my skin
& drown like a rat
rat rat rat rat
rattatattata

it feels so cold but i can’t stop sweating
i’m wearing a jacket & it’s 35 degrees celsius
it feels like snow
snow snow snow snow
snow snow snow snow
snow snow snow snow

rain pain guilt love anger alone passive cigarette urban aircon

the keyboard tingles with delight & it says my name with grace

i don’t believe in god
& i don’t believe we have a choice.
just go along with it.
ride it.
love it.
be it.

i think my heart stopped beating.
the train is late.

I was thinking earlier today, Josh and I really need to write down all our journeys.  I have never had so much RANDOM fun with one person.  And it seems like whenever we do anything, something weird happens.  Or we see something weird.  Like the other day, we saw an old Asian lady dressed really nicely in traditional-type gear, walking a pig.  Yes, a pig.  She was walking it like she would walk a dog.

I had another interview this morning with a recruitment agency.  They’re going to look through their job listings to see if there’s anything that would be good for me.  She had some pretty shitty jobs on offer – one was the Night Manager of Big W … something I’m SO not interested in.  But, whatever . . .

I’m going to try and finish early today.  I will see…

Josh and I had a rather uneventful Friday night.  I think we went to his Mum’s place and then came back to my our place and had a few drinks and fell asleep in front of the TV.  I don’t even know.  Saturday morning, we wake up really early and watched more TV and drank a bit more beer and vodka.  Nice combination.  We started getting bored around 11am and went to the Asian Imporium to wander around.  We found this aisle full of everything made out of paper.  Paper shirts, paper shoes, paper refrigerator, paper pedestal fan, paper radio, paper castle, paper hair dryer, paper tinned food.  Everything.  It freaked us out big time.  We both stood there going “what…the…hell…do…they…use…these…for…?”  and WHY is there an entire aisle dedicated to paper goods?

From there, we went to the shopping centre.  It was so packed out.  I was feeling slightly paranoid considering we had a bit to drink before coming out, and now we were in this full shopping centre.  I kept thinking everyone was looking at me, and so did Josh.  We got what we had to get (zinc cream, red speedos & little red shorts.  I will explain…), and got the hell outta there.  We stopped off at his Mum’s house again and had a few more beers before going home.  It was so HOT we both fell asleep watching Titanic, before I had to go and pick up my friend Bianca from work and get ready for a big night.

Saturday was Josh’s work Christmas party and it was dress up.  He went as a Surf Lifesaver, and he really looked the part.  It was so good!  He hired a Surf Lifesaver singlet and cap from a costume shop and we bought the rest earlier in the day (zinc, red speedos – get it now?).   Bianca and I dropped Josh off at his Christmas party and we continued on with our night.  We had some tickets to a “ladies night” at one of the nightclubs in town.  We were hesitant to go, but went anyway.  We got there, and there were too many half naked men walking around with oil and glitter all over their bodies.  We were way too sober and smart for this.  We left, and continued on with our night.

Bianca and I went to another pub and had a drink and waited for the band to start.  Josh called me and said he was really bored and they still had $200 on the bar tab and that there were only 3 people left at the party and that Bianca and I should come along.  So we do.  And there were like 3 people there.  And it was terrible.  Bianca and I didn’t know anybody, and Josh was too busy talking to his work people.  Not fun.  I do remember having to walk someone outside because he had to vomit, and then he got in trouble by the bar girls for vomiting.  She wondered why he couldn’t vomit in the pot plant, and why it had to be on the footpath.  I don’t know.

I was really, really drunk.  While we were there I had like 3 jagerbombs, cocktails, vodka red bull – everything.  Josh, Bianca and I ended up leaving to go back to where Bianca and I started – to watch the band.  On the way, we heard Beatles music coming from this tiny tiny room next to the road – inside there were people dancing.  So we all go in and dance around like idiots to the Beatles.  After feeling like we had successfully gate crashed someone’s party, we left.

The night turned shit around this point.

I saw some of my old family friends, they used to baby sit me when I was little, and up until about 6 months ago they used to be Josh’s boss at work.  They were not in a good mood, and I ended up getting a lecture about how Josh isn’t stable and that I shouldn’t be hanging around with him, etc etc.  Then she asked me if he and I were together, and I said we were just friends.  Then, because I knew my family is going to their family’s house for Christmas, I changed the subject to Christmas – I said that I was so excited about this Christmas and asked what the plans are – her reply was, “Don’t you dare bring Josh around on Christmas – he won’t be allowed inside my parents house!”.  This is when I started getting really angry and I yelled at her a few times and told her where to go. 

I ended up losing Josh and Bianca – my phone had died and I was far too drunk to try and remember anyone’s phone numbers.  I just went and started dancing.  This is when I saw some old friends from a past life – from when I was with my ex boyfriend, Ross.  In one of the entries below, I mention Sarah.  Well, I haven’t seen her in maybe 6 months to a year.  I saw her this night, and she was really weird.  She pulled me aside and said, “I am going to call Ross tonight and tell him to come back home.  He needs to come back here and look after you, you are far too skinny – you’ve lost too much weight.  You look sick.  I’ll make him come back, this is not good”.  I was so confused.  Then, her friend that’s been trying to hook up with me for years came up to us and asked me for a kiss.  Everything is so fuzzy.

Just as I was about to completely lose my cool and start crying because I thought it was the end of the world, I see a glimmer of hope.  I see Josh.  I run up to him because I’m SO glad I found him.  He’s not as happy as I am.  In fact, he’s rather pissed off.  And boy, do I get an ear full from him.  Not fun.

All in all, we finally ended up getting home safely and falling asleep.  It was a mission, it involved me losing my house keys and deciding to sleep in a gutter.  After I see the family friends again and yell at them out the front of the nightclub – “I can’t FUCKING wait for Christmas!!! You just wait!!! I’m going to tell everyone that you were going to let me sleep in a GUTTER!!! What family you guys are!! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!”. 

Christmas is going to be fun this year. . . . . . . . . . . .

The next day, Josh had to work…at 9.30am.  I don’t even know what time we got to sleep eventually – it would have been around 5.30 or 6am.  Josh said, before we went to sleep, that he was setting his alarm for 8.30am.  So, I set mine for 8.30am as well – so we have 2 alarms to wake up to.  He was borrowing my car for the day and his Mum was going to pick me up at around 11am to take me over to an island for lunch and a swim.  So, 8.30am comes along and I wake up…to an empty bed.  Okay.  I get up, look around the house – it’s completely empty.  He’s left.  You see, this wouldn’t be an issue if I hadn’t left my hand bag with my wallet, spare house keys – EVERYTHING – in my car.  It was 8.30am so I try calling him – no answer, I send him a text- no answer, call again – no answer.  Then I pass out.

11am comes, and I go to leave because his Mum is downstairs.  But.  I am locked in the house.  My flat mate went out and locked the dead lock.  I’m on the 5th floor, so I can’t just jump out a window.  I did attempt to climb over my balcony, onto the air conditioner dock for the unit downstairs and then onto the stair railing.  That didn’t work.

I tried to call my flat mate about 5 times, no answer.  So I call Josh.  And I’m crying.  What a terrible weekend this is.  All I’ve done is cry and cry.  Josh comes and lets me out and I finally get to the island with his Mum around 1pm.

The island was the worst thing in the world.  I ended up leaving his Mum behind and finding a shady tree in a secluded area.  I curl up under it and phone Josh, I tell him that I’ve passed out under a shady tree and I’m just going to sleep there for the rest of the day.  He told me to get on the next ferry and come home.  I started crying (again) because his Mum didn’t want to leave.  She ended up making us miss the 5.30pm Ferry and we had to wait around for the 6.30pm Ferry.  This morning I looked in my sent items on my phone.  Oh, I was not in a good place on Sunday…

To: Josh
23 Nov 2008 05:15PM
I’m so scared this old man keeps trying to chat me up he said i look like james bond’s mistress or some shit i hate it here and we gonna miss the ferry fuck this shit

To: Josh
23 Nov 2008 05:38PM
Fuck everything i’m sick of this shit. what the fuck has happened to my life.  i’m trapped on a fucking island.  i hate this shit hole place i hate it i hate it

To: Josh
23 Nov 2008 5:42PM
I am trapped. freaking out massive panic attack coming on soon i think i can feel it. i am trapped.

To: Josh
23 Nov 2008 5:46PM
Your mum is picking up a booty call this is too too too weird i’m so scared here

To: Josh
23 Nov 2008 5:53PM
We getting on 630 ferry. i hope you pick us up but if you don’t i will sleep in a tree like a koala because i am fucked and koalas are pretty exciting. i smoked too much of someone’s weed and i am about to pass out. i hate this place help me

To: Josh
23 Nov 2008 6:10PM
I feel like i’m about to start a big fight and cry

Josh did come and pick us up.  I fell asleep in the car and woke up out the front of Yummy Noodle.  I got out of the car too quickly and suddenly vomited in the car park.  I opted out of getting greasy Chinese food for dinner…

Josh and I finally get home and I pass out on the bed in front of the TV, watching the final Australian Idol episode.  After a random tickle fight with Josh we finally went to sleep.

Today, I am sunburnt, sick, tired, bruised and confused.

The interview today was amazing.  It was for this company who’s values and culture are so amazing & delightful – it sounds absolutely perfect.  They are in pursuit of social and environmental justice in Australia and around the world.  They use their massive brand recognition for positive change in the world, rather than just for profit.  It sounds so – good.  Good.  This is what I need – I need GOOD.  The woman on the phone, Debra, explained their interview process -

1. Phone interview with recruitment consultant
2. Phone interview with Area Manager for the region
3. Face to face coffee with the Store Manager
4. Presentation Scenario, where I do a 20 minute presentation in any format, to explain my expectations, my goals, how I see the business from a company’s point of view, what positive changes I can make etc etc.

I was told the Presentation Scenario can be done in any format – it doesn’t have to be professional.  Debra said, “Except, perhaps, interpretive dance” – I said “Oh, I was kind of hoping I’d get to pull out my Kate Bush album…” and Debra laughed and said she loved Kate Bush’s dance style, and I concurred.  Don’t we all?

I really hope that I get to the next stage of the interview process.  And the next.  And the next.

I feel so happy about the possibility of this new opportunity.  A bright new day…

In other news, Josh asked last night if he was to move into the spare room, would be be allowed to bring girls home?  I didn’t know how to answer it and I just went really, really silent.  And then chuckled, and nervously said, “if you moved in, I wouldn’t be able to tell you what you can and can’t do in your own home.  It would be up to you.”  And he said “Good”.

I get to sleep in tomorrow!

You know what I hate?  I never, ever, ever wake up in the middle of the night.  I always sleep the whole way through the night.  Josh wakes up in the middle of the night and then goes back to sleep.  Are you wondering why this is an issue?  Because, have you ever thought about the things you might do when you’re asleep?  I don’t need to wonder what I do, I have someone who tells me every single morning what it is I do while unconcious.  Below is a small list, compiled by me with help from Josh’s comments every morning:

1. I kick.  A lot. 
2. I have a habit of groping buttock cheeks.  Not my own.
3. My legs don’t enjoy sleeping on the right side of the bed with the rest of my body.  They enjoy the left side of the bed, where Josh sleeps.
4. I will lie there, dead silent and still, and then I will suddenly jolt & start snoring.  “Kick starting the snoring” as Josh likes to put it.  The snoring will last for maybe 10 seconds and I will go back to normal.
5. I take my shirt off during the night.  It must get too hot.  And then I put it back on again…when it must get cold.

I have no memory of doing any of the above.  But apparently I do it … every night.

Josh and I have slept in the same bed for a week straight now.  That’s more than we ever have.  Weird.

This morning I went to a cafe and had breakfast and used their wireless internet on my laptop.  The cafe was so busy.  It’s probably my favourite cafe ever.  I really felt like something with sundried tomato.  I’m contemplating going back to my vegetarian roots, but if Josh really is moving in, he won’t like eating vegetarian food.  I used to be a vegetarian for 7 years.  I started in 2000 when I was in grade 10 in school because I was protesting against dissecting animals for science class.  I stopped on January 26th 2007.  The story is interesting. 

It was Australia Day and I was with my then boyfriend, let’s call him Ross.  So Ross and I were going into the City with another friend of ours, let’s call her Sarah, to celebrate Australia Day.  Ross decided to dress in only an Australia Day bikini, board shorts & he used the Australian Flag as a cape.  We also put heaps and heaps and heaps of Australian flag tattoos all over his chest in a checker-board fashion.  Sarah and I were pretty tame, wearing white tank tops with some Australian slogan on it like “Aussie Aussie Aussie” “Oi Oi Oi”.  Anyhoo, the 3 of us drive into the City at about 9.30am and stop off at Woolworths to get some supplies for the Barbeque.  Being a vegetarian, I always had a hard time at BBQs.  What do I get to eat?  I usually had to bring my own things – like I’d do roasted stuffed capsicums, or mushrooms.  Sometimes people would be “thoughtful” and bring me those vegetarian sausages that taste like ass.  This time I thought I’d just get some bread and I’ll have a sandwich because I’d be drinking anyway, and I wasn’t feeling that hungry.

WRONG.

As soon as we finished at Woolworths we got to the hotel our friend Adam was staying at.  Sarah and I began the drinking early while Ross and Adam prepared the BBQ shenannigans.  It was maybe 11.30am and I was feeling really, really, really drunk.  I’d gone swimming, I was sunburnt already, I’d made a few embarrasing drunk phone calls to friends interstate to wish them a happy Australia Day.  I was in a happy state.  Then I started to get hungry.  I was in that mood where I couldn’t be bothered preparing my own food.  I was getting pissed off at being the only one at BBQs and parties that had to BYO food.  I decided it was time for a change.

I drunkenly went up to Ross and asked him to make me a steak sandwich.  That’s right.  After 7 years of eating nothing but vegetables, TVP, lentils & beans, I decided it was time for a giant STEAK.  All I really remember is sitting there in silence chewing the steak sandwich while Ross watched me closely.  I was really drunk, and I wasn’t enjoying the steak at all.  I got up and ran to the hotel room and vomited everything up.  Soon after, I passed out on the hotel couch only to wake up a few hours later with my arm decorated entirely in permanent black marker as SPIDERMAN.  If I didn’t feel so sick, I might have laughed.

Since then I’ve been eating meat.  And I must say, I miss my vegetarian ways.

I rediscovered a band I forgot about.  They’re a lovely Australian band called The Waifs.  Tonight I’m going to chill out and listen to their entire album, and if Josh doesn’t like it, he can go home.

I can’t believe I have started a blog.  You know, I had to actually get a new email address for this weblog as all the email addresses I have (2) are already in use on WordPress.  One blog I know about, the other I don’t.  Hmm…well hopefully I actually maintain and update this bad boy.

My name is…hmm.  What should I call myself?  This is my own world.  My reality.  I think I’m really just writing this for me.  I noticed last night that I talk wayyy too much.  Josh actually said last night that sometimes he wishes I had a mute button.  A MUTE BUTTON!  And he said “do you ever think before you talk, or do you ever actually think back on things you’ve said and wondered where in the world you got that idea from?”.  I think he’s saying I’m random.  Or annoying.  Either way, I felt that perhaps if I got a blog then I would have somewhere to put my random outbursts and Josh can live in peace.

Oh, that’s right…my name.  My name is … hmm.  I still don’t know.  Isn’t that weird?  You know when you think “Ohh…I’d love it if my name was <insert really cool urban name here>!”.  I can’t think of one cool name I’d like.  I have a cool name.  I like my current name, and I wouldn’t change it ever … so coming up with a name for myself for the purpose of anonymity is really hard.  I don’t want to be known as Mary or Joanne.  I need a good name.  Help.

I’m going through a slight dilemma at the moment.  Well.  Slight dilemma.  You see, I have this friend, Josh.  Josh and I have been friends for many, many, MANY years.  I’m talking since we were 14, and now we’re in our 20′s.  So, about 10 years give or take.  Josh and I never really used to “hang out” – we had similar circles of friends and at least once every month we’d see each other out because my friends know his friends and vice versa.  This one night, I was out drinking with some of my friends and Josh was out with some of his friends…it was a Sunday night and he was out at this pub about 40 mins out of town.  He was kind of STUCK out there.  I decided to go and pick him up.  Off I go, drink driving, picked him up - on our way home we stopped at the bottle shop and found a park to hang out at.  This was the first time he and I had just hung out alone.  That night I was in no state to drive anywhere, so I stayed at his house.   I remember feeling really awkward, because although I had known Josh for so long, I had never known him this intimately – I’d never gone to his house before, I’d never been in a room alone with him before, I’d never seen where he sleeps or ever thought I’d sleep where he sleeps.  It’s weird, when you know someone for so long you skim over those sorts of things.  I have a friend Mark, and a similar situation to the above happened.  I ended up at his place, and I remember thinking it was weird seeing him in his own house, where he dwells, seeing him in his ‘house clothes’ and no shoes.  Very remarkable.

This was the beginning of something big in my life.

That Sunday night is one that Josh and I look back on and laugh about – how random it all was!  Now it seems totally normal for us to hang out alone together.  Actually, I kind of prefer it. 

So.  After that Sunday night we went a couple weeks of “back to normal” until one day Josh and I just started hanging out … every day.  Sometimes he’d stay at my place for days on end.  We became kind of attached.  There was nothing I would do where Josh wouldn’t be involved as well.  People started asking, “Is that your new boyfriend?”.  I would laugh and reply “Oh, no!  We’re just good friends”.  Good friends.  That spend days with eachother.  That sleep in the same bed.  That share the same bath towel.  That share toothbrushes.  Good friends.

The thing is, when I’m not with Josh I think “Oh, I’d like to be his girlfriend!”.  But then, when I am with him…it’s the last thing on my mind.  Sometimes I even find myself trying to find girls for him to go out with – although, I think that’s just so that when the time comes for him to actually get a girlfriend, I won’t be too crushed.  I can say it was my good-doing.  The truth of the matter is, if he was to be with another girl right now, I’d be completely crazy jealous.  But then, I’d get over it.

My dilemma.  That’s right.

I think this is my dilemma.  Having a friend.  I don’t know what to do.  I kind of want to say to him, “Why won’t you ever make me your girlfriend?”.  Not because I want to be his girlfriend, but because I’m really curious as to why we’re not officially together.  I don’t think there’s something wrong with me, and I’m pretty sure it’s not the way I look (although, sometimes I wonder…I am female after all).  His mother keeps pestering him and I to be together.  My mother keeps worrying if he and I are together.  It’s so confusing.

I do like him a lot.  As a friend.  He’s probably my best friend at the moment.  Although there’s that something there that makes it so hard to be his friend, and him mine.  It’s like the elephant in the room, or whatever.  There’s totally something THERE that’s a block.  And I can’t think of it at the moment.

If I see him tonight (which I might not, I’m getting this feeling…), then I think I’m going to tell him that being friends with him is like having all the bad bits of a boyfriend.  We have the fights, the arguments, the crazy in-laws, we share a bed, etc etc.  All I’m missing is the nice bits.  The cuddles, the kisses, the affection.  But really, that’s just frosting.

Sigh.