One night I was sitting at a park with a good friend of mine. You will get to know this good friend as my writing goes on. For the purpose of maintaining anonymity, let’s call him Josh. So, Josh and I were at the park and we heard this bird squawking. Is that how you spell that word? Is it skwarking? Squawking? Squarking? I have no idea. Anyway, so this bird definitely was not tweeting, it was a loud, shrill sounding SQUAWK. I went on to call this bird the Death Bird. They are a type of bird that makes death-like noises, and if you get in their way they will kill you. No, I’m not kidding. Once I was walking down the drive way of my parent’s house to get into my car, only to be attacked by one of these Death Birds. How am I still alive, you ask? Well, I soon identified it as a Death Bird and ran inside to my sister to plan my escape route. The story is far too long and actually serves no purpose whatsoever, so to save you from scrolling to the bottom of the page I shall end the tale now – I escaped the Death Bird in one piece.
I can’t believe I have started a blog. You know, I had to actually get a new email address for this weblog as all the email addresses I have (2) are already in use on WordPress. One blog I know about, the other I don’t. Hmm…well hopefully I actually maintain and update this bad boy.
My name is…hmm. What should I call myself? This is my own world. My reality. I think I’m really just writing this for me. I noticed last night that I talk wayyy too much. Josh actually said last night that sometimes he wishes I had a mute button. A MUTE BUTTON! And he said “do you ever think before you talk, or do you ever actually think back on things you’ve said and wondered where in the world you got that idea from?”. I think he’s saying I’m random. Or annoying. Either way, I felt that perhaps if I got a blog then I would have somewhere to put my random outbursts and Josh can live in peace.
Oh, that’s right…my name. My name is … hmm. I still don’t know. Isn’t that weird? You know when you think “Ohh…I’d love it if my name was <insert really cool urban name here>!”. I can’t think of one cool name I’d like. I have a cool name. I like my current name, and I wouldn’t change it ever … so coming up with a name for myself for the purpose of anonymity is really hard. I don’t want to be known as Mary or Joanne. I need a good name. Help.
I’m going through a slight dilemma at the moment. Well. Slight dilemma. You see, I have this friend, Josh. Josh and I have been friends for many, many, MANY years. I’m talking since we were 14, and now we’re in our 20′s. So, about 10 years give or take. Josh and I never really used to “hang out” – we had similar circles of friends and at least once every month we’d see each other out because my friends know his friends and vice versa. This one night, I was out drinking with some of my friends and Josh was out with some of his friends…it was a Sunday night and he was out at this pub about 40 mins out of town. He was kind of STUCK out there. I decided to go and pick him up. Off I go, drink driving, picked him up - on our way home we stopped at the bottle shop and found a park to hang out at. This was the first time he and I had just hung out alone. That night I was in no state to drive anywhere, so I stayed at his house. I remember feeling really awkward, because although I had known Josh for so long, I had never known him this intimately – I’d never gone to his house before, I’d never been in a room alone with him before, I’d never seen where he sleeps or ever thought I’d sleep where he sleeps. It’s weird, when you know someone for so long you skim over those sorts of things. I have a friend Mark, and a similar situation to the above happened. I ended up at his place, and I remember thinking it was weird seeing him in his own house, where he dwells, seeing him in his ‘house clothes’ and no shoes. Very remarkable.
This was the beginning of something big in my life.
That Sunday night is one that Josh and I look back on and laugh about – how random it all was! Now it seems totally normal for us to hang out alone together. Actually, I kind of prefer it.
So. After that Sunday night we went a couple weeks of “back to normal” until one day Josh and I just started hanging out … every day. Sometimes he’d stay at my place for days on end. We became kind of attached. There was nothing I would do where Josh wouldn’t be involved as well. People started asking, “Is that your new boyfriend?”. I would laugh and reply “Oh, no! We’re just good friends”. Good friends. That spend days with eachother. That sleep in the same bed. That share the same bath towel. That share toothbrushes. Good friends.
The thing is, when I’m not with Josh I think “Oh, I’d like to be his girlfriend!”. But then, when I am with him…it’s the last thing on my mind. Sometimes I even find myself trying to find girls for him to go out with – although, I think that’s just so that when the time comes for him to actually get a girlfriend, I won’t be too crushed. I can say it was my good-doing. The truth of the matter is, if he was to be with another girl right now, I’d be completely crazy jealous. But then, I’d get over it.
My dilemma. That’s right.
I think this is my dilemma. Having a friend. I don’t know what to do. I kind of want to say to him, “Why won’t you ever make me your girlfriend?”. Not because I want to be his girlfriend, but because I’m really curious as to why we’re not officially together. I don’t think there’s something wrong with me, and I’m pretty sure it’s not the way I look (although, sometimes I wonder…I am female after all). His mother keeps pestering him and I to be together. My mother keeps worrying if he and I are together. It’s so confusing.
I do like him a lot. As a friend. He’s probably my best friend at the moment. Although there’s that something there that makes it so hard to be his friend, and him mine. It’s like the elephant in the room, or whatever. There’s totally something THERE that’s a block. And I can’t think of it at the moment.
If I see him tonight (which I might not, I’m getting this feeling…), then I think I’m going to tell him that being friends with him is like having all the bad bits of a boyfriend. We have the fights, the arguments, the crazy in-laws, we share a bed, etc etc. All I’m missing is the nice bits. The cuddles, the kisses, the affection. But really, that’s just frosting.
Sigh.
